Finding Nimmo

At this moment, I am happy with life, if I die, it shall be with no regrets.

Yesterday, I went to the Shakira concert. I was there in the 2nd row, she was 5 feet away from me, and I am still in hangover, which I pray, should never end.

Shakira, the word means Grace, is the tip of the Iceberg of what she is. She came at 8:10 pm, and since then, time stopped for me, I am living in bliss, my senses are saturated with her, her aura has permeated my body, heart, mind and soul.

She took our hearts away when she came on stage, she took it again when she did a Namaste and said “Namaste Mumbai”, mind you, not with the pseudo-english accent of I-am-saying-this-coz-someone-told-me-to wala “Naamaaasthe” but actual proper I-know-this-word-and-I-mean-it “Namaste Mumbai”.

From then on, every smile, every arm movement, every hip shake, every syllable coming out of her mouth, she was taking our hearts, or whatever was left of it. We (me and my friend, Lokesh) had reached the venue (MMRDA ground, Bandra Kurla complex) at 4pm, the Gates opened at 6:30, She came at 8:10 and show went on till 10, we didnt have a drop of water all this time.

We were standing there, hungry, thirsty, severly dehydrated, but totally drenched in her spectral aura, her radiance, and there she was, ruling Queen of our hearts, our Goddess; Maya, Venus, Aphrodite all rolled multiple times into one, rejuvenating us with her mystical presence. Some say she’s short, only 4′11″ tall. Well there’s only top-quality excellent super-duper fine material with God, and I’m sure he put all of that in making her. Each nanometer of her is perfection.

From a sexy seductive belly dancer to the ruling queen of the masses to the traditional Indian girl, she slipped through each role with the practised ease of a master performer. She made our blood sing, as I write this post, 14 hrs post event, I can still hear it singing. She sang in languages apart from English, but we dint care, for what she sings is so rich, so pure that it was getting interpreted directly by the heart as emotions.

I didnt carry a Camera, but I wouldn’t have shot anything had I carried one. You only get so many Eye-seconds of her which is a shame to waste looking at a camera view-finder.

Unlike the numerous cocktease beauties of the glamour world, you don’t get the feel that “Oh my god, I wanna have her right now!” (well you do get it with each hip shake), but it gets immediately wiped out with “Behold the divinity, let her be free, let her be with a subject of her own choosing, for making oneself suitable for her will take eons.”

It is said that “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”, yet there are some Beauties who are what they are without eyes to behold. I know I am in love, I know its a one sided love, one with not a Happy-ever-after ending; but I dont care.

I am not going to give you a song list, or any critic, numerous media agencies are covering that. I have stood in her presence. She is Lava-hot, yet I am alive. I have never taken Alcohol, but I now I know what is to be on a high, and I stipulate that even the most seasoned of all drunkards have ever felt the ether I am floating in. This is my story.

My Queen, I am yours to command.

-@
PS: Shakira is Uber-Nimmo, first class. If my Nimmo can compare to her in an infinitesimal percentage, I’ll be the luckiest chap alive, Amen.

One only marries once in his life (atleast one hopes so); thus, one has to be very particular while picking a mate. Of the many ways which come under the umbrella of Arranged Marriage, there is one common task: reading a profile, and deciding to continue further or not.

I choose to avoid profiles which are not written by “_self” and those which have spelling mistakes. The first, becasue Nimmo will be someone who’ll express herself, put forth her point of view, and not get presented by others. The second, not because I am looking for a scrabble partner, but because I fear that the misspell might be intentional, and that changes everything.

Consider this word for example.

Premi : Hindi for Lover

If you do a type, this is what it results in.

PrayMe : Maybe here the expectation of the profile writer is devotion from the other half, he/she is not looking for a lover, but a devotee.

PreyMe: The expectation here is that the profile writer is submissive in nature and expect to be dominated in a relationship, or causing even more confusion, granting him the benefit of doubt, it might even be Become a prey for me which is like the total opposite end of the spectrum

I think PrayMe and PreyMe go well together, but sadly I do not belong to either category. Thus in the search for Nimmo, I know she will be particular in proof reading all her important documents in life, including her profile. I am looking for a Dulhan, not a Duh-lan, a Premika, not a PrayMeKa

-@

Ok,

I was going through ThinkGeek’s catalogue, and I found something which any Geek’s fairer half should be proud to wear. If  a generic scantily-clad-babe can fire a geek’s brain, this will be like forest-fire-on-prozac!

If you are a babe, and can understand the meaning for this, then you might be the dream-girl of many a geeks.

I bring you, HTTPanties  (warning,  NSFW! )

-@

Surely, you think I mean Dulhan, which is Hindi for Bride. Nopes, I exactly mean Duh-lans. If you haven’t heard the noun before, dont worry, I just coined it.

define: “Duh-lan”
Duh-lan : noun, Bride of an In-duh-vidual.

If you dont know who an In-duh-vidual is, then you should probably go die. And unless you dont belong to any religion which have ceremonial daggers for committing honourable suicides, here’s the Dilbert Newsletter which explains it all.

Coming back to Duh-lans.
I have a profile on one of the leading Matrimonial sites which was recently featured in the Limca book of records. They claim to have the biggest database and likewise, success rates. One might expect that this profile one create is about making oneself as appealing to the preferred audience as possible. Is it too much to expect that one will do a spell (and/or) grammar check while submitting the profile. Sadly, from the newsletter that comes every other day, all I can see wannabe Duh-lans.

Here are some Duh-lans describing themselves:

“I like to make new friends, i have also feelings towards my best friends & i am very frenk with my firends. I wants my life partner who can care me as well. I like to do job because i want to help my family. I am from middle class family. I want that type of life partner who can understand me & always help me in my bed situation.“

“I LIKE WORK I AM VERY TRUE ALL ARE FRIEND HI HELLO EVERY THING IS OK”

“We are doing my business. We are a joint family.”

“my pat name is tomy she is whary cute i am loveing him whary mach.”

“all life with me my friends and all life prey for god“

and there are some with mixed preferences:

“my family has happy and she entry to very happy”

(yes, there are boys filling up bride profiles also, I put them in Duh-lan category for benefit of doubt)

You might be thinking that I am making all the above things up, no as much I’d like the credit, I’m not this creative. And I have proof that I received all of them in Newsletters, thankfully in Gmail, I never throw a mail away.

Desire 2: Nimmo will be a Dulhan and not a Duh-lan.

-@

PS: I have nothing against these females. They are going to make some in-duh-vidual very happy some day.

Everywhere I see, there are single-eligible-romantic-fools looking for their dream-girl. Who, I say is this babe which everyone is looking for? She’s supposed to come in your dreams (plain, straight ones, not the naughty ones) and you are supposed to fall in love with her, dedicate your entire life in her search, for as Karan Johar uncle makes me believe, she’s out there, somewhere.

Like all normal humans, I rarely remember what I saw in the dream, so I cant picture her. Who is she? where is she?? I dont know. If I cant picture her, will I recognize her when I meet her? How long will it take for the enlightenment to happen? Will I hear someone whistling “Kuch kuch hota hain…”

In other words:
Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do. Only when it comes to Panipuris, my Dell Laptop or my Bullet Thunderbird, may she ride forever.

When it comes to women, it takes me a while to overcome my shyness and be frank with someone. The relative ease by which I am able to converse with anyone is directly proportional to the affinity I develop for them.

But at first sight, I think I’ve only felt Lust. There are these numerous wannabe-xtina and britney spears babes in Bombay, with whom I’ve failed to generate an interesting conversation. It may be partly my fault, the MCP I am, but I’ve felt the spark only a couple of times.

I think I should wait till I feel a flame.
-@
PS: So here I define my Desire 1:

Nimmo will ideally be a clever, quick-witted babe, who’ll be able to fuel my imagination and yet shut me up anytime.

Beta, what type of a woman you want to be your Wife?

A question that has been asked many times in past 6 months, and I am still not sure of the answer. I think Life is like KBC, full of questions. You have life lines, if you are confused, take Junta’s opinion, decide if you want to go forth with it. If you have too many options, your parents can help you do fifty-fifty, in the worst case, you have a beshtesht friend whom you can phone and totally depend on his/her opinion.

Here, the similarity ends. KBC has 4 well defined options for people to choose from, Life, almost never does. One might argue that it is the wonders, the mysteries, the infinite options to choose which makes life so full of Joy, but if you look carefully, that someone is probably in Marketing.

Coming back to the question, since I don’t know all the “types” of women, I started looking for a list of the so called “types”. I figured, so many single-and-available males have answered this question, there would be a list like this in a FAQ somewhere. I can visualize your smile, you have already branded me a fool, for Mythology all over the world is full of documentation that

Women, cannot be defined.

It is foolish even to attempt to define a woman, Genies don’t know it, Oracles have answered everything except this, in fact Gods havent imparted this knowledge to anyone, anywhere (and its a general assumption that this is not because its dangerous, but because they themselves are still documenting).

The Geek I am, I refused to give up, I asked my God, “O Google, define:woman”
and Google thus spake:

Woman : an adult female person (as opposed to a man); “the woman kept house while the man hunted”

Yes, see, this is what I was looking for, not the whole encyclopedia, but the one liner which made everything clear. This example is probably too old, written when life was simple, a time which many present day men crave for, a time when people wore use-and-throw Leaf costumes, a time where you had conversations like:

“Me Big. Me Strong. Me Go. Hunt Food. You Stay. Cook food.”

Try saying that to a present day female and all you’ll get is One Tight Slap. Back to square-one, I am still confused. My answer to my parents and relatives has been heavily influenced by the movie I’ve seen last. I have ended up describing Jaahnavi of Lage Raho MunnaBhai to Trinity of Matrix, and the variation has left them confused. Hence I’ve decided to come up with Nimmo.

If you ask,

Who is Nimmo ?

Well, she’s your would-be Bhabhi Ji. I haven’t met her yet, she’s out there, somewhere. Nimmo may or may not be her name. Right now she’s a concept. And if I am lucky, I’ll meet her before she gets married to someone else

As the 25th Valentine Day of my life draws to an end. I begin the documentation of my hunt for her.

This is my story.

-@
PS. Speaking of KBC, I humbly think if you do have a beshteshtesht friend, who’s single, available, of desired age, of your choice of preferred sex, and you can use the “phone a friend” lifeline with them for any question anytime in your life, that’s your soul-mate, you’re already the winner of the show, you need look no further.